January 2012
1 post
The Five People You Meet at the Host Stand
I’ve hosted on and off at several restaurants for the past three years. Whether I was working at an upscale small plates place or a casual BBQ joint, greeting and seating billionaires or bumpkins, the clientele could all be divided into five categories at the host stand: 1. Peace Signers These people don’t acknowledge you with a verbal greeting, let alone a smile....
December 2011
1 post
November 2011
3 posts
“When most kids were watching Saturday morning cartoons, my brothers and I were...”
– We used to be psychopaths (I still am one) / My sister has a cooking blog (via santoslittlehelper)
liar. he cries over harry potter movies.
September 2011
2 posts
August 2011
5 posts
misheard.
me, in a TV-commerical announcer's voice: come to tampon, florida. you don't have to worry about hurricanes because the city's super-absorbent!
marcial: i find it odd that there'd be a city called tampon in a state that's shaped like a penis.
July 2011
1 post
March 2011
4 posts
“life’s challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they’re supposed...”
– bernice johnson reagon.
February 2011
5 posts
Watchnever get in a slap fight with me.
spontaneous combustion.
this is one of my favorite episodes of unsolved mysteries, i tell everyone. the one where they talk about people who all of a sudden burst into flames. but no one can hear me from this back-corner couch so i finish my biscuit & play with the exposed couch stuffing the same way i do with my troll doll’s hair, braiding it & twisting it around my finger until it’s so tight i turn...
1 tag
i woke up in the psych ward, but i didn’t mind because it was breakfast time. i don’t know if you’ve ever been in a mental hospital, but this is always the best part of the day. the staff has just switched over & the new nurses aren’t ready to start the day yet, so you have free reign. granted, the only “privilege” in a place like this is getting to eat the...
November 2010
1 post
October 2010
4 posts
August 2010
4 posts
1 tag
“walk in the park” — beach...
July 2010
1 post
1 tag
June 2010
1 post
dear dude who wrote this missed connection:
“US air flight 975 from Charlotte to Raleigh - m4w
You where the lovely blond young woman wearing shorts sitting in seat 6e. I was the 6 ft tall 175 lb brunette sitting the row in front of you. We barely spoke, but made eye contact when we were waiting to deplane. I then let you in front of me before we got off the plane. I wouldnt do this, but you are simply stunning. Im sorry we...
May 2010
5 posts
so far this week i have been asked out by a...
1 tag
“the prayer” — bloc party.
...
2 tags
April 2010
3 posts
1 tag
“maps” — yeah yeah yeahs.
one...
how to make my day:
ask me if i was born in the 90s.
though, the guy probably only asked because he didn’t want to feel weird about eye-sucking underage boobs.
March 2010
4 posts
i think i can fall in love with anyone when it's...
proof that you can't take the eastern n.c. out of...
when my friend, who lives with her fiancé/my fake cousin, said she wanted to move in with me & our mutual friend, my first thought was, “i wish there were a trailer park downtown so we could all be neighbors.”
2 tags
last night i drank a bunch of whisky & went to...
February 2010
3 posts
‘Ugh, I have to go. My little brother just...
marcialsantos:
My sister (not Melissa) once had to end a phone conversation with those exact words because I had, in fact, sprayed myself in the face with Windex. I could blame her for leaving it out near the television, but that would only work if I don’t mention the fact that I was twelve when it happened.
God, I was a moron
he also drank an entire bottle of penicillin once &...
2 tags
real talk.
i got a second job. it’s actually a lot of fun, so i don’t mind working all day & coming home just to sleep. but one of the downsides is that i don’t have as much time for side projects anymore.
josh has been my favorite person on the internet for almost a year now, so doing the monkey inquisition with him was the best & most fun thing i did last year. we really only did...
January 2010
7 posts
1 tag
just buy me a drink already.
when i had long hair, guys would tell me i looked “kind of like vanessa hugdens.” & now that i cut it all off, i get “halle berry when she had short hair, a little.”
but neither of those comparisons are true. not even close. what i like about the way i look is that i don’t look like anyone. so, men, if you see me at a bar, please don’t use “you remind...